David Pierdomenico
With Solo: A Star Wars Story not quite hitting the mark critically or financially, it gives us all a chance to ponder what Disney can do to improve this problem. Here is Dork Daily’s official list of pitches for potential spinoff films. Feel free to use these Disney…free of charge!
#1. The Good, The Bad, And the Jedi
A Western, set in a town in the middle of nowhere on Tatooine. As the town is overtaken by bandits, terrorizing the locals, a strange drifter comes to town. He is old, worn, and weary from a life of mercenary work. His weapon of choice is a lightsaber as it is revealed he was expelled from the Jedi Academy many years ago. As the town is oppressed, he gets caught up in the conflict and ends up reclaiming his honor by finally fighting for a cause that is moral and righteous.
Possible Directors: Quentin Tarantino, Clint Eastwood, James Mangold, Joel and Ethan Coen
Possible Stars
Former Jedi: Chris Cooper, Denzel Washington, Christian Bale, Jeff Bridges
Bandit Leader: Willem Dafoe, Gary Oldman, Giovanni Ribisi
#2. Coruscant’s Finest
Gritty cop drama about two partners patrolling the rough neighborhoods of Coruscant, the ones even the Jedi don’t go into. In an attempt to stop the operations of a crime boss, the partners overstep their bounds and are guilty of police brutality. They must reassess what it means to serve and protect, and call on the Jedi to help defeat the villain, who is revealed to be a sith lord.
Possible Directors: Ryan Coogler, Michael Mann, David Ayer, David Fincher, Antoine Fuqua
Possible Stars:
Cop Partners: Jake Gyllenhaal, Christian Bale, Jared Leto, Michael B. Jordan, John Cho, Chris Pratt, J.K. Simmons, Ryan Gosling, Jamie Foxx, Channing Tatum, Daniel Kaluuya
Sith Crime Boss: Colin Farrell, Robert DeNiro, Hugh Jackman, Denzel Washington, Benedict Cumberbatch
#3. Academy of Losers
A touching, coming of age drama/comedy about a group of students at the Jedi Academy and their inspiring teacher. He encourages them all to think freely and not be so rigid as the Jedi code instructs them to be. Eventually, this puts him at odds with the Council and he is at risk of being fired and even expelled from the Jedi Order. The students then band together to plead their case to the Council about all he has taught them.
Possible Directors: Wes Anderson, Gus Van Sant, George Clooney
Possible Stars:
Inspiring Teacher: James McAvoy, Robert Downy Jr., Patton Oswalt, Peter Dinklage, George Clooney (he’s directed himself before)
Jedi Council Members: Jeremy Irons, Judi Dench, John Cleese, Morgan Freeman, Charles Dance
#4. Rebellious Fools
Teen romance between two young pilots in the Rebellion. They join up to fight the man and get away from their small towns but find love with each other and reason to go on. They find joy in each other’s company but as the Empire attacks, they are torn apart and must fly their X-Wings across the vastness of the galaxy to find each other.
Possible Directors: Greta Gerwig, Judd Apatow, Catherine Hardwicke, Josh Boone, Kevin Smith
Possible Stars:
Male Lead: Ansel Elgort, Dylan Minnette, Josh Hutcherson, Theo James, Miles Teller
Female Lead: Shailene Woodley, Cara Delevingne, Saoirse Ronan, Lucy Hale, Emma Watson
#5. The Cantonica Job
A witty heist film set on the casino planet of Cantonica. A wise cracking arms dealer bands together with a group of gamblers and other scoundrels to rip off the casino. They work together to crack the codes and break into the main vault to steal incredibly valuable jewels and sell them on the black market. They face a slew of challenges including security, not getting along, and the overall challenge of pulling off a heist in one of the most secure places in the galaxy.
Possible Directors: Stephen Soderbergh, Andrew Niccol, F. Gary Gray, Justin Lin, Barry Sonnenfeld
Possible Ensemble Cast: Nicholas Cage, Justin Timberlake, Will Smith, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, Edward Norton, Cate Blanchett, Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway, Ethan Hawke, Uma Thurman, Chris Pratt, Margot Robbie, Salma Heyek (honestly any ensemble of 10 famous actors would do)
#6. Heresy
“Historical” Drama set in the Old Republic about a Jedi scientist who discovers the truth behind the force, that it comes from microscopic bacteria called midichlorians. This goes against the teachings of the Jedi Order, which refuses to accept science. They attempt to silence him but he persists in his teachings, despite the expulsion and persecution he faces at the hands of the Jedi. Finally, in his old age and a prison sentence of house arrest, his theories are confirmed and he is hailed as a visionary genius.
Possible Directors: Jon Amiel, Alan Taylor, Kenneth Branagh, Kathryn Bigelow, Steven Spielberg
Possible Jedi Scientist: Paul Bettany, Jude Law, Clive Owen, Chiwetel Ejiofor
#7. Saber
A slasher film set in the quiet lake shores of Naboo. The Queen and her staff are on vacation following incessantly long trade negotiations with the Trade Federation and are looking for a chance to relax. But they are in for a night of terror, as a disgruntled Jedi goes on a rampage killing them off one at a time with his lightsaber. The Queen must fight her way through the night and save not just her own life, but Naboo itself from losing its leader. She relies on her instincts and gives the Jedi Killer a bloody fight to the death.
Possible Directors: James Wan, Eli Roth, Rob Zombie, Jordan Peele, Adam Green
Possible Queen of Naboo: Tessa Thompson, Rose Byrne, Sheri Moon Zombie, Jennifer Lawrence, Maisie Williams, Natalie Dormer
So there you have it Disney! All guaranteed to be more profitable that Solo‘s opening weekend.
