Peter James Mann
I think we can all agree it’s been a year. I don’t think anyone can argue that. Something, at some point, has hit all of us. Maybe it was the loss of a loved one, or the disconnection from others, or the anxiety of losing a job. It just happened to all happen together at once this year. Up until this point, I was actually trying to socialize again (something I’ve struggled with a ton over the years). The pandemic put a stop to that too.
My hesitation to jump into the digital ether earlier tripped me up even more as I found myself getting even more disconnected. To try and sit and play a video game, let alone write about them, well I don’t know how anyone has done it all year. My attitude about most things has been cynical at best and depressing at worst.
I would try and sit down to play anything, only to really find a sense of frustration and impotent rage building up. And any time to try and alleviate stress has made me genuinely guilty. It felt like a waste of time.
So, after months of this, I decided to sit down and try to write regular pieces again. A lot of them turned out to be more narrative and creative pieces. Spoiler alert: They’re dark and heavy! But it shows where I was at and continues to. I recently put out my first short story, “Where Skin Once Was,” and it was an amazing feeling to just do it. I got to be in a short film, Jesus V. Satan: Rise of the Zombies! I just finished a script with a close friend and now writing partner.
See, my Dorkiness or Nerdiness has always been rooted in escapism. However, the darker things got, and the more and more I wanted to escape, the worse I felt. It was like trying to sidestep a puzzle or a boss fight in a game when you have to complete it to move forward. Sure, you can hang on the sides when they slam their giant hammer around, or fire projectiles at you to dodge, but you have to run up and hit it eventually.
Yes, we’re talking about Dark Souls. Again.
No! Don’t groan! This is important, more important than you think. While some might not find Soulsborne games fun, everyone finds them challenging. Where the fun starts is right past the line of impotent rage and into decisive, tactile actions that actually does something. It’s not fun to bash your head against a wall, but it is fun to find a way to get past that wall without hurting yourself, especially creatively.
I was hugging the walls of the first boss fight in Dark Souls. This demon drops down to prevent you from leaving the Undead Asylum. By all accounts, a fantastic security system. It worked really well the first few times I played it. Until I made a new character after rage quitting and saw a starting item called “Black Firebomb.” Some wheels turned in my head and I thought “that sounds like a grenade.” Now, was it the most eloquent solution to the problem? No. Did it get me a sick-ass-great-hammer that I can use to make enemies into protein shakes? Absolutely and I’m glad we have the same kind of mental imagery.
My guilt and my shame and my depression weren’t helping me in my life this year. I don’t think it ever helps anyone. And I have a feeling that, maybe, more than one person reading this has had that same feeling. I had to do something I was passionate about to shake myself out of it. I had to put something out into the world and go, “Would you just look at it?!” And I had to stop being afraid of trying to do something different with my life.
Also I learned that it’s still okay to play video games, or paint minis, or read lore. Just don’t get sucked into a hole or lose sleep doing it. That’s…super unhealthy. Really. You’re worth more than that. But I think a deep dive into some older games (or maybe tabletop stuff if people are interested) to get back into the swing of things here, too? That’s probably not a bad idea.
See you soon!
Peter James Mann is an independent writer and author. He is a contributor to Dork Daily. You can find his new short story, “Where Skin Once Was,” exclusively on Amazon.
